"I" messages are a communication tool used to express your feelings and needs clearly without blaming or accusing the other person. They focus on your own experience rather than what someone else did wrong, which helps reduce defensiveness and encourages more open, respectful conversation.
During the holiday season, we often spend time with people we don't see regularly, and that can sometimes bring up uncomfortable topics. In these moments, our instincts may be to blame, to become defensive, or to avoid the topic altogether.
While there may be times when those responses feel natural or may even be best, using "I" messages allows you to clearly share your perspective in a constructive way.
This approach helps encourage understanding, reduce conflict, and make it easier for others to respond positively while showing that you are taking responsibility for your own feelings.
Wynter Varner
How do you create an "I" message?
Naomi Brower
Well, I like to think of "I" messages as a simple, three-part, fill in the blank kind of formula. The first part is "I think," and that's where you share your thoughts about the situation. The second is "I feel" with the word "because," and that's where you name an emotion rather than a thought. And then, you explain why you feel that way — ideally, with an example. The last part is "I want," which is to offer them a suggestion of what could help to resolve the situation.
Let me interject here and say: a lot of people say "I feel," and then they share a thought. They might say, "I feel that you..." This phrase doesn't share an emotion and oftentimes actually creates a defensive response. It's important that we actually put our feelings in there.
It can be difficult to share our feelings, because it can feel uncomfortable or vulnerable to share how we truly feel. However, sharing feelings is how we connect with others. They may not have experienced the same exact situation as us, but they've likely felt the same emotion at some point.
It's also important to remember that you don't have to share deeply vulnerable feelings if you don't want to. You could say, "I'm concerned,"; "I'm frustrated," or "I'm upset" instead of "I'm devastated," although it may be closer to how you really feel.
The closer the relationship, the more important it becomes to share your feelings so that you can build understanding and connection.
Wynter Varner
I could absolutely see how that technique would resolve conflicts or help them resolve easier. Do you have an example of what an "I" statement might sound like?
Naomi Brower
Sure! So, let's just say you're having a kind of frustrating conversation with a loved one, and you say, "I think this conversation seems a little one-sided. I feel hurt because it makes me think that you don't value my opinion. I want, or would like, for you to acknowledge my point of view, even if you don't agree with it."
I think it's important to say here — there's no guarantee of how the other person is going to respond. But, by using "I" messages, you can increase the chance of a positive outcome.
You don't always have to use those exact phrases of "I think,"; "I feel," and "I want." As you become more comfortable with it, you can blend those together a little bit. The structure just helps us to make sure all the parts are there when we're first getting started with it.
Let me give you another example: as you blend it together, the phrase might sound more like, "a party's coming up. I'm feeling stressed and frustrated because the things you said you would take care of haven't happened yet. I want to make sure that you follow through with what you've committed to do."
All parts are there, it just flows more naturally. You can also follow up with a question too, like, "can you tell me what your plan is to encourage two-sided communication?"
Wynter Varner
What other tips do you have for using "I" messages in conversation?
Naomi Brower
So, a couple of things to keep in mind when we communicate with others. There are several parts to communication: body language, tone of voice, and words. Research suggests that more than half of what we communicate actually comes from our body language. The actual words that we choose will just be a small portion of what our message actually is.
Because of that, when our words, tone, and body language don't match, people are more likely to trust what they see and hear rather than the actual words.
For example, if you're crossing your arms and speaking in a frustrated voice, that's going to send a very different kind of message than keeping your arms relaxed at your sides and speaking calmly. That's why it's important to be mindful of both your body language and your tone of voice when you're communicating an "I" message.
It's also important to consider the timing and setting when you're communicating. If you're sharing something important, choose a moment when the other person can truly listen without a lot of distractions. That way, your message is more likely to be received and understood.
Remember, when you share your thoughts and your feelings, that the other person may have their own perspective too. That can be challenging, right? But they may not be as skilled as expressing themselves. So try to stay calm. Listen to what they're trying to say, the intent of what they're saying, and respond thoughtfully.
Active listening can help a lot. Giving them your full attention and repeating back in your own words what you believe that their message is can help you make sure you're getting their complete message. This method focused on finding a win-win solution wherever possible.
